


Fitness Bread: Pugnacious Pastries

by Puph_17



Series: The Fitness Bread Saga [3]
Category: Super Smash Brothers
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-08
Updated: 2020-04-08
Packaged: 2021-03-01 17:46:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,285
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23541043
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Puph_17/pseuds/Puph_17
Summary: The newest iteration of Fitness Bread has been baked! But something seems off with it…
Series: The Fitness Bread Saga [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1749493
Kudos: 1





	Fitness Bread: Pugnacious Pastries

**Author's Note:**

> Well, it’s finally here! The third installment in the Fitness Bread Saga! What will Murphy cook up this time?  
> Before we start, I should mention that my Male WFT is named Murphy and my female WFT is named Carrie.

“Hey everybody, Dr. Quack here! Do you have aches and pains? Joint trouble? Hair loss? Any health problems at all? What if I told you that there was a cure for all of it? Well, now you don’t have to wonder at all, because there’s a cure just waiting for you and it’s here! Allow me to present Dr. Quack’s 100% organic rabies free snake oil! Now with 80% more vitamins and minerals!”

Click.

“Hi everybody! Bogus Fraud here with the all new flying pig feather pillow!”

Click.

“Howdy y’all, Scam Bogusson here…”

Click.

“But wait, there’s more! Call right now and get two for the price of one!”

Click.

“But wait, there’s more! Call right now and get one for the price of two! What are you waiting for? This is the deal of a lifetime! Call now!”

Murphy sighed. There really as nothing but infomercials on TV on a slow Wednesday morning. He slouched back into his couch. What was wrong with his Fitness Bread recipe? Why couldn’t he figure out a way of making it taste better? It was tremendously frustrating, and his best efforts had availed little success. Which was why there was another test batch baking in his hidden toaster oven that sat on his balcony. 

His timer went off. Murphy pulled himself to his feet and reached for his oven mitts. He quietly made his way outside and pulled out the loaf of bread. He took it inside quickly before the scent of freshly cooked bread spread too far and put it down to cool.

He returned to his chair and slumped down with a defeated posture that Carrie would have immediately criticized him for. He really hoped that one of the tweaks he made would be making a significant improvement in the taste. Murphy was getting tired of having to hide his baking while he was at Smash Mansion.

But he wouldn’t give up. Not until his dream had been accomplished. He pulled himself to his feet. Perhaps some yoga would help pass the time while the bread cooled off.

Some time later, Murphy returned to the bread. Satisfied that it was cooled, he pulled out a knife and began to cut himself a slice. However, as the knife touched the crust of the bread, he could tell that something was wrong. He tapped the crust with the tip of the knife. It sounded….solid. That wasn’t good. He hadn’t burned it, had he? It didn’t look burnt. He put more force on the knife and tried to cut a slice, but it was no good. The crust was so tough that he couldn’t even get his knife to make a scratch. 

Murphy shook his head. How tough was this piece of bread he’d cooked? He flipped the bread pan upside down and the loaf fell out with a heavy thud, like it was a brick.

“Hey! You all right?” called somebody from the hallway. It sounded like Falco. Murphy grumbled in frustration under his breath. Of course, somebody happened to be walking outside of his door.

“I’m fine! Just dropped something!” shouted Murphy quickly.

“All right!” shouted Falco. Murphy sat in absolute silence as he listened for the sound of Falco’s footsteps. Thankfully, Falco was already on his way, and Murphy couldn’t hear his footfalls on the carpeted floors of the mansion after a few seconds. He breathed a sigh of relief.

Murphy turned again to the bread and rapped his knuckles against it. It seemed fairly solid. What happened to this batch? It definitely wasn’t burned. He put the bread down on the counter. He’d better just get rid of the thing.

Murphy sighed and picked up the bread. He’d have to get rid of it discreetly. Thankfully, he already had a strategy for this. He pulled out his training backpack. It was filled with his training gear – a water bottle, towels, and his precious yoga mat, among other things.

He discreetly put his Fitness Bread in the backpack along with some cheap plastic targets that the Smashers used for target practice. Practicing the Sun Salutation was a good cover for destroying failed Fitness Bread prototypes that even he wouldn’t take a second bite of.

He slung the backpack over his shoulder and walked out from his room. It was time to do the deed.

It was a fairly long walk to the firing range of Smash Mansion. It was in the back of the expansive property due to the highly explosive nature of many of the Smasher’s weaponry, far away from the residential and recreational parts of the mansion. Murphy enjoyed the walk though. The sun was out, with several large, puffy clouds providing the occasional shade. It was a beautiful day, though a little humid for Murphy’s taste.

The firing range was a place not only for firearms, but all manner of projectile weapons and projectile attacks. It was a long flat field with several training targets on it, with a long awning with several booths from where the Smasher would stand. Murphy, though not a traditional ranged weapon specialist used the firing range to practice the accuracy of his Sun Salutation technique, along with Carrie. Due to the long range and explosive nature of the attack on contact, it was the perfect place for them to practice it.

Thankfully the place was empty when he got there. He walked to the control booth and pressed a button. Several red flags lowered in front of each of the booths to indicate to anyone that the range was not clear. Murphy walked out to a large cubical concrete block on the range. He arranged several of his targets on the block, placing the Fitness Bread in the middle. All he had to do was hurry back and blast the Fitness Bread with his Sun Salutation and he was home free.

He walked briskly back to the booths, but his heart sank as he saw Samus walk up, wearing her power armor. She was accompanied by Simon, who was twirling a throwing axe in his hand as he walked.

“Ah! Murphy! How fare thee on this fine day?” said Simon in his booming, cheerful voice.

Murphy forced a smile. He did not need people here right now. “Just fine Simon! How about you?”

“I am well. Tis a fine day to go to the range is it not?”

“I’m certainly enjoying it,” said Murphy. “Weather’s great!”

“Anyway, you done setting up your targets?” asked Samus.

“Yeah,” said Murphy. “I was just coming back to turn off the safety. What will you be doing? Are you using the hologram target system?”

“Yeah,” said Samus. “I was going to show Simon how to use it.”

“Indeed!” said Simon. “Samus was telling me of how this projection system could help me train without having to set up targets!

Samus nodded. “I’ll show him how to use the system and then you can go ham. Just give us a minute.”

Murphy nodded. “Sure. Take your time!”

Internally, he was desperately hoping that they wouldn’t notice the brown lump that sat amongst his targets. Nobody liked Fitness Bread. There was a reason he had to keep everything under wraps.

Samus and Simon walked toward the control panel as Murphy set himself up in one of the shooting booths. The holograms suddenly flickered to life.

“Verily! That is amazing!” boomed Simon loudly. Murphy smiled. Both Simon and his nephew Richter were from a world that was still catching up from a technological perspective. It was not uncommon for both to be frequently astounded at what technology made possible.

“All right, Murphy! You can start shooting!” called Samus.

“Thanks!” shouted Murphy back. He took a deep breath and began charging the energy necessary for the Sun Salutation. It was time to destroy the Fitness Bread.

After striking down all of the targets with precise Sun Salutation shots, Murphy sighed with relief. The deed was done.

He looked over to Samus and Simon, who seemed to have stopped shooting arm cannons and throwing axes for the moment, respectively.

“Hey! I’m gonna go pick up my targets!” called Murphy. “Can you guys stop for a minute?”

“Sure!” shouted Samus. “I’ll get the safety alert. You go out when it’s safe.”

“All right!” shouted Murphy.

The flags descended again after a few moments. Murphy quickly walked out to the range and inspected the targets. He began picking up the fallen ones that he’d hit. However, his jaw dropped as he made his way down the line of targets.

The Fitness Bread, though scorched a little, still appeared intact. Shocked, he rushed forward and picked up the loaf of bread. He inspected it. There was no way this thing was still there.

“Uh, Murphy? Is that a loaf of Fitness Bread?” called Samus.

Murphy froze.

“Don’t tell me you’ve been baking that crap again!” growled Samus.

“I was destroying it!” sputtered Murphy. “Give me a second!”

“No. We are destroying it now,” said Samus. “Get off the range. We’ll talk about making Fitness Bread later.”

Murphy quickly dashed off of the range. He didn’t want to be there with an angry Samus on the loose. He quickly dashed through the access gate.

“All right, Samus! I’m of the range!” he called as he walked up to where Samus and Simon were standing.

Samus flipped off the safety and the flags receded back into the awning. She stepped up and fired a missile at the Fitness Bread.

The missile hit the bread with a moderate sized explosion. There was a moment of silence as the smoke cleared. The Fitness Bread was still there.

“What!? It’s still there?” asked Samus in disbelief.

“Perhaps that is why your Sun Salutation did not destroy it?” asked Simon. “It would seem this bread is made of hardy stuff.”

“All right. No piece of bread is standing up to my arm cannon like that. Stand back everyone!” said Samus. She charged a Charge Shot in her arm cannon to its maximum power and fired the shot. It slammed into the Fitness Bread with a loud explosion. As the smoke cleared, Samus gawked. 

“IT’S STILL THERE!?”

“Hold for a moment,” said Simon. “I shall incinerate it!”

Simon stepped up and hurled one of his firebombs at the Fitness Bread. It exploded with a fiery blast around the concrete block.

“If this does not dispose of the bread, I fear we may have to resort to more drastic measures,” said Simon.

Murphy peered through the dissipating smoke.

“We’re going to have to. It’s still there!”

Samus growled. “All right, that’s it! Time for the Super Missile!”

She toggled her firing mode as both Simon and Murphy backed off. She fired three Super Missiles in rapid succession. They slammed into the Fitness Bread one after another, exploding with tremendously loud explosions.

The smoke cleared to reveal that the Fitness Bread was no longer sitting on the concrete block.

“The Fitness Bread is destroyed!” said Samus with satisfaction.

“Is that not the Fitness Bread on the ground? It was just knocked off its perch,” said Simon, pointing to the scorched, but otherwise unharmed loaf of Fitness Bread, where it lay on the ground a few yards away from the concrete block.

“What?! You’ve got to be kidding me!” gasped Samus. “Murphy! What’s in that new recipe, titanium?”

“Hah! You should make a shield out of this bread of yours, Murphy! It is clearly unfit for eating, but it seems as though it is quite hardy!” said Simon.

Murphy paused for a second. He hadn’t considered that… What could he do with this new kind of tough Fitness Bread?

“I could make small buns and throw them at enemies,” said Murphy after some consideration. “My Combat Yoga Style doesn’t incorporate any projectiles in it other than the Sun Salutation.”

“Perhaps you could fashion a club out of your bread,” said Simon. “You have no weapons to bring into battle. And if the bread club should be lost, it would only be a matter of bringing extra bread clubs.”

“You know, he does kinda have a point,” said Samus. “As long as we aren’t eating any of this stuff, of course.”

“I believe that this new bread will require a different name,” said Simon. “What shall you call it?”

Murphy thought for a moment. “Fightness Bread. It will be called Fightness Bread.”

“Seriously? That’s the best you could come up with?” deadpanned Samus.

“Hey! It describes its purpose!” retorted Murphy.

“It’s has a certain ring to it,” said Simon.

Samus shrugged. “Sure. Fightness Bread it is. Now, how are we going to explain this to the others?”

It had been a long meeting. A very long meeting. But Murphy had won. He had gotten the begrudging permission of the other Smashers to begin producing Fightness Bread, with the single stipulation that he needed to dye his Fightness Bread dark green so that there would be no confusion as to what bread was meant to be eaten and what bread was meant for combative purposes.

Murphy leaned back in his chair with a sigh of satisfaction. Sure, it wasn’t for eating, but at least something had come of his Fitness Bread project. They’d said nothing good would come of it, and he’d just proved everybody wrong! Today had been a great day, and the future was looking fit! There wasn’t much more he could have asked for!

Murphy reached for the remote and turned on the TV again. It was time to relax and enjoy a well-deserved break from a job well done!

“Howdy, y’all! Scam Bogusson here!”

Oh, come on. Seriously, wasn’t there an end to these stinking infomercials?


End file.
